Episode ABC.1.4: "Security Systems"

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Episode ABC.1.4
Title "Security Systems"
Production No. 1.6
UK Air Date NA?
US Air Date 21 Apr 1987
Length 48 minutes
Creative Written by Michael Cassutt

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

Edited by Edward Salier / Mark Helfrich

Watch for... The 'SS flash' Security Systems logo. Subtle.

A very realistically portrayed woman CEO.

Blank Reg, tango demon.

The brief return of a motorized "rakeboard."

A wistful comment from Reg about how things could have been.

The empty Network 23 board room (and the missing board!)

Crew Series Crew, Season 1
Actor Role
Main Cast
Matt Frewer Edison Carter

Max Headroom

Amanda Pays Theora Jones
George Coe Ben Cheviot
Chris Young Bryce Lynch
Jeffrey Tambor Murray
Also Starring
William Morgan Sheppard Blank Reg
Guest Starring
Carol Mayo Jenkins Valerie Towne
J.W. Smith Rik
Virginia Kiser Miss Julia Formby
Concetta Tomei Blank Dominique
Co-Starring
Ricardo Gutiérrez Martinez
David Allyn SS Tech #1*
Peter Mins SS Tech #2*
Julia Calderón Mrs. Rivas
Santos Morales Mr. Rivas
Sally Stevens "A-7" (voice)
Featuring
Mark Voland  ?
Unknown Cast
 ? Security Systems Ad Announcer
 ? Edison Carter Show Announcer
 ? Other Producer
 ? SS Guard
* Tentative role match.
The fourth episode of the ABC series had the show hitting its full stride, with completely new and expanded story elements and more polished characters... and a prescient look at the meaning of who owns our individual security.

The complete episode, from original broadcast masters, is available on the Shout! Factory DVD set.

Synopsis

After a chilling commercial from Security Systems ("No matter where you go, there we are"), we find ourselves 20 minutes into the future with Carter and Martinez circling a tall building, the elite Sybaris Residential complex, as Carter recites the opener for his story: a company named Security Systems Inc. provides "electronic walls" and security for a large part of the world. Someone is trying to take over the company, but no one knows who or why.

Suddenly, lights and alarms go off: the chopper has lost power and is going down. As Theora watches in horror, they spin out of control and all but crash land atop the Sybaris tower. Murray is unconcerned, which surprises Theora until he tells her that it's all an elaborate setup to get Carter inside Sybaris to talk to the head of Security Systems. A "convincing performance" was needed from her... and she stalks off in an understandable rage.

Meanwhile, Martinez distracts the Sybaris security guards while Carter sneaks down the roof staircase. To his surprise, he is admitted to Valerie Towne's luxurious apartment. Towne is the current CEO of Security Systems; she appears on a video wall and admits it would have been fruitless to try and evade Carter's attempts to interview her.

The ensuing problem is that Towne is absolutely convincing in her story about the takeover attempt of her company, and a voice stress analyzer shows she is telling the truth. Carter's story is in jeopardy, even though his hunch is that something is still wrong. Security Systems Inc. has too much power and is too tempting a prize for those seeking illicit ends.

Murray isn't convinced there is a worthwhile story in the situation, and gives Carter overnight to come up with enough to keep it going. He calls Valerie Towne in an attempt to get further help from her, but she refuses and hangs up. Then, someone unseen is communicating with Security Systems' A-7 mainframe, calling up files on Edison Carter. A-7 agrees that Carter could be a threat to SS, and offers to "isolate" him...

Carter arrives at his condo tower to find his credit tube inoperable in opening the door. He's been locked out, charged with first degree credit fraud, and is wanted by the Metrocops. He runs. Almost immediately, he is forced to ditch his vidicam - by which he can be tracked - as the Metrocops show up at Network 23, looking for him. Cheviot backs Murray and Theora when they fail to cooperate with the Metros, but is angry that Carter's show will have to be replaced with a rerun, costing them millions.

Theora listens while Bryce explains Security Systems' powerful AI mainframe, A-7, and how difficult it will be to crack. Carter, now a full-fledged fugitive, runs to the only haven he knows... Blank Reg. Reg welcomes him into "the fraternity of the last free men," but Carter doesn't want to be a Blank. He calls Valerie Towne for help, but to no avail - she's been fired as CEO of Security Systems.

Reg directs him to their friend Rik, who might know someone who can crack "ice" as hard as Security Systems's. He can't - any more, as he puts it - but suggests someone who is more on line would have a chance. When Carter asks who is the most on line? Rik pointedly tells him to look in his own back yard.

Carter sneaks back into Network 23 and barely has time to hook up with Murray, Theora and then Bryce... before Bryce notes that Security Systems handles Network 23's security. So now they are all on the run, jammed into Rik's rickshaw and hiding at Big Time Television.

Bryce and Reg confer over the resources and decide to use Big Time's smallest transmitter to try and sneak into SS electronically. The problem is that they have to be very close... so with Murray and Theora running a diversion, they sneak the Big Time bus close to the SS building and tap in.

And tap in they do... Bryce sneaks past the security until he's all the way in to A-7's housekeeping functions. When out of the blue, up pops Max, who apparently tagged along with Bryce's other programs. Being Max, he decides to see where the link wire goes... which is straight into Security Systems's mainframe. At that moment, A-7 detects the intrusion, guards spot the Big Time bus, and they are forced to run for it, leaving Max behind in the SS computer.

As Max makes A-7's acquaintance, the others are plotting how to get back in and both get Max out and get Carter's corrected file back in place. Bryce says that he has access to A-7's housekeeping... including clearances... and in a short time, Bryce and Carter are inside the SS building, looking for a place to access A-7.

Even though they're spotted by two SS technicians, no one thinks anything of it because they both have clearances (and of course the system is right!) Carter and Bryce find themselves face to face with both A-7 and Max, who helps Carter charm A-7 into telling the whole ugly story.

The supposed takeover of SS and the firing of Valerie Towne are all a sham, orchestrated by Towne herself as part of an attempt to take over control of all electronic security, as well as Zik-Zak and Network 23. The story is taped and the secret blown when Towne herself appears, takes charge and has Bryce and Carter thrown in a thermal testing chamber. The story will be that they broke into SS headquarters, wandered where they shouldn't have and "accidentally" froze to death.

Max, still in the SS computer system, sees this and convinces A-7 to help. When Valerie Towne bursts in, A-7 defies her order to erase Max and instead changes Towne's file, sends a complete report on her illegal activities to law enforcement, and frees Carter and Bryce.

The story is out, Security Systems is to be broken up into less powerful pieces, Valerie Towne is under investigation... and A-7 has been removed from service for "extensive reprogramming." As Max put it... what a team!

Notes & Commentary

There is a strange little audio bite in the background noise, right at the beginning, that announces "Edison Carter Show, week four, Security Systems." Obviously, this is not week four of Carter's show; it was week four of "Max Headroom."

Much of the action in this episode takes place in the "Sybaris Residential Complex." We saw this as the "Sybaris condo" where Plantagenet's mother lived (and died) in "Body Banks."

When Carter enters Valerie Towne's apartment, there is a grand piano playng itself. Such auto-play pianos were state of the art at the time of the show.

The notion of powerful security walls and control of data, telecom, etc. is almost a "duh" these days, but it was a more novel and intriguing prospect in the show's era.

Valerie Towne is an intriguing character whose impact may be dulled by the passage of time. She is the CEO of a very large and powerful tech firm - and no one finds this remarkable - yet she is not a caricature "iron bitch" as women corporate leaders are so often portrayed. Nor is she a weepy "fish out of water," as such roles were often played: she has a very charming and human side, yet is every bit a powerful corporate executive. And all this in 1987... fully 12 years before her closest real-world counterpart, Carly Fiorina, became CEO of Hewlett-Packard. Impressive.

(And in an absolutely astounding case of "BBR" [Blindsided By Reality]... as this was being written, it was announced that Carleton "Carly" Fiorina had been named to the board of Cybertrust, one of the largest computer and network security firms in the world. Pardon my while I go goggle in circles.)

The second and last time we see a credit tube in the first season.

This episode is unusual in that the three Network 23 board members (Edwards, Formby and Ashwell) are nowhere to be seen. Although they were always credited as "guest stars" and could be omitted, probably without payment, this is the only first-season episode, and perhaps the only episode overall to omit them. (Cheviot does appear, but George Coe is a regular cast member. He also speaks to Formby on the phone, although we do not hear her.)

Carter's missing show is replaced by - note that it's not a rerun, but a 'special encore performance' - of "Lumpy's Proletariat." This may be the single funniest surreptitious reference in the entire series. (If you don't know the term lumpenproletariat, see this Wikipedia article for the punchline.)

Phone numbers are apparently still seven digits; at least, Valerie Towne's is.

Opening Credits

This episode uses the final version of the first-season opening credits, with both score and dialogue.

Subliminal Credits

This episode has "Fred Raimondi" and "Billy Fox" in the Zik-Zak montage for about seven frames each.

Quotes & Caps

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  • Announcer: "In today's world, your inalienable rights are consumer credit, unlimited telecom and personal security. In your home, in your place of work, you can count on Security Systems. Security Systems... wherever you go, there we are."
  • Announcer: "Edison Carter Show, week four opening: Security Systems..."
  • Carter: "These are the walls of the city: stone, brick, wood and ferrolignin. But there are other walls in the city: electronic ones designed to keep secrets in and unwanted visitors out... impenetrable, invisible walls designed by the calculating intelligence of Security Systems Incorporated."
  • Carter: "Somewhere inside Sybaris is the answer to a question: Who is trying to take control of Security Systems? Who wants to own the secrets... behind the wall?"
  • Carter: "23, we're down safe."
Murray: "Oh, they made it... good."
Theora: "Murray... aren't you just a bit concerned? I mean, Edison and Martinez were almost killed!"
Murray: "You mean Edison didn't tell you? ...oh, of course not: he needed a convincing performance!"
Theora: "You mean that was staged?"
  • Murray: "Oh, c'mon... you can't possibly believe an old chopper jockey like Martinez would have any trouble with a deadstick landing!"
Theora: "I can't believe this."
Max: "Oh! Oh! I'm glad that's over. Som-som-some of us can't cover our eyes, you know."
Theora: "To hell with both of you."
  • Valerie Towne: "What can I do for you, Mr. Carter?"
Carter: "Thanks for taking the time to see me."
Valerie Towne: "I know your work, Mr. Carter. It would be impossible to evade you. Have a seat"
Carter: "Uh... no thanks. I'll stand."
Valerie Towne: "Suit yourself."
Carter: "I'm taping."
Valerie Towne: "So am I. What do you want to know?"
  • Carter: "Who's trying to buy Security Systems?"
Valerie Towne: "Who cares?"
Carter: "Everybody ought to care... SS is the largest and most powerful corporation of its kind in the world. It has access to more privileged information than any single government. And, if in the wrong hands, it could be used to destroy businesses and lives."
  • Theora: "Well, that's it. She checks out as truthful to an appropriate decimal point. And here I thought everyone lied to you all the time."
Carter: "Maybe I should try the analyzer on you."
  • Murray: "Very cerebral story, isn't it. Doesn't really seem to have the, ah, classic elements they so worship upstairs - sex, violence, money..."
  • Carter: "It's a mystery, Murray... shadowy, powerful forces at work... no one knows who, or why... and it's all about money."
Murray: "Not the kind of money I understand, which means it's not the kind of money our viewers are gonna understand."
Max: "Oh, really..."
Murray: "I wish he wouldn't do that."
  • Carter: "Security Systems has its tendrils into every element of our society - the government, our homes, the police, the courts - I'm not gonna spike this story just because it deals with dollar amounts beyond your comprehension! It's too important!"
Murray: "...cerebral..."
Theora: "Murray, we're trying to play this takeover as a threat to our average viewer. Nobody knows who's doing it. I mean, we all deal with SS every day - what if some really dangerous people got control of it?"
Murray: "Who do you think controls it now?"
  • Carter: "Mrs. Towne, it's Edison Carter again."
Valerie Towne: "How did you get my number?"
Carter: "I... read it off your phone when I was there."
Valerie Towne: "Go away, Mr. Carter."
Carter: "The SS takeover story's gonna be spiked unless you give me something more to go on."
Valerie Towne: "My dear Mr. Carter, why should I care whether or not your story airs?"
Carter: "You said you were afraid. Other people will be afraid, too."
  • A-7: "A-7 Mainframe... please enter your access code... thank you. I agree. Projections confirm that Edison Carter will pose a threat to Security Systems. I can isolate him..."
  • Cheviot: "Now... let me see if I've got this straight. Had a visit from law-enforcement officers who have a warrant for the arrest of Edison Carter... who is missing. You, Murray, have lost track of him. You, Miss Jones, came perilously close to an obstruction of justice charge. Worse yet, there is no Edison Carter show for tonight."
  • Cheviot: "It seems I have little choice but to back you against the police... provided, of course, the charges against Carter are completely unfounded. What exactly are they?"
Murray: "Credit fraud."
Cheviot: "Credit fraud... my god, that's worse than murder!"
  • Bryce: "Security Systems handles billions of bits of data every hour. It was impossible to process that much information with a normal computer, so SS developed an artificial intelligence program - a computer which can actually think for itself. And it's called A-7. It's rather ruthless with intruders and there's just no easy way in there."
  • Announcer: "Due to circumstances beyond our control, the 'Edison Carter Show' will not be seen tonight. In its place, we present a special encore performance of 'Lumpy's Proletariat.'"
  • Max: "And we'll return to L-L-L-Lumpy's Proletariat in a moment... if-if-if they can't find something better to show you."
SS Tech 1: "No Edison Carter? Damn!"
SS Tech 2: "Wha'd you expect? A-7's taken Carter right off the screen."
  • Blank Reg: (static) "Uh, that moment of silence was brought to you by Big Time TV."
  • Blank Reg: "'Ere we go, son. Try this on. Well, now you look the part: Edison Carter, Blank! Joinin' the fraternity of the last free men."
Carter: "This isn't easy for me, you know - you volunteered; I was drafted."
  • Carter: (dialing digits)
Valerie Towne: "You, again."
Carter: "Mrs. Towne, some... computer... has turned me into a hunted man, and I - I'm hoping you might be able to help me out."
(There appears to be a missing line here, although the audio track seems complete.)
Carter: "But you're the chief executive!"
Valerie Towne: "I was, Mr. Carter. I've been fired."
  • Carter: "Reg... I need an icebreaker. Best there is."
Blank Reg: "Well, then, that, uh, would depend on the particular ice, wouldn't it?"
Blank Dominique: "Ice?"
Carter: "Security. In this case, the security around SSI."
Blank Reg: "Now that's cold, mate. Cold enough to burn."
  • Rik: "Edison! You all right? I was ready to slice you!"
Carter: "I have faith in your reflexes."
Rik: (adjusts sunglasses) "Best not to test 'em at night!"
  • Rik: "Now... how can I help you?"
Carter: "Reg says you might know somebody who can crack a little ice... Security Systems ice. Maybe even you."
Rik: "Not any more. Their system's artificial intelligence. Crack that, you'll need somebody that's really on line."
Carter: "Who's the most online I can get?"
Rik: "Check your own back yard, Edison."
  • Murray: "Why in the hell doesn't he try to contact us? He's always been good about that."
Theora: "He's already tried. He knows we're being monitored. SS probably has a tap on all our incoming lines. I just wish I knew where to look."
Carter: "Try looking behind you."
  • Carter: "They don't know I'm here or they'd'a nailed me by now."
Murray: "Maybe we should let 'em."
Theora: "Murray!"
Murray: "No, wait a minute, wait a minute... the charges aren't true, right? So they haul Edison in, couple hours later he's out on the street with a personal story of abuse of power. That's dynamite stuff!"
Carter: "Murray, from the moment Security Systems decided I was a criminal, I became one. The only records anyone will ever have access to show that I committed credit fraud!"
  • Bryce: "There it is in the center... cracking the ice around it should be fun - a lot like challenging God himself!"
  • Bryce: "That's the beauty of the entire Security Systems operation. Did you know that SS even does security for Network 23?"
  • Blank Reg: "You've liked it before, so, we'll play it again. Going for twelve in a row..." (music)
Blank Dominique: "Extern! We have guests!"
Blank Reg: "Oh, I hope it's not those people from Deaf Aid again, BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHERE LAST YEAR'S MONEY WENT! ...Oh, back so soon?"
Carter: "Yeah, your leads paid off. Huh... Reg, Dom... Bryce, Theora, and Murray."
  • Bryce: "What sort of outputs do you have here?"
Blank Reg: "Dom?"
Blank Dominique: "It fluctuates, depending on where we've hooked up for the night. We can go as high as 500 watts."
Bryce: "How low can you go?"
Blank Dominique: "We have one UHF transmitter that will do about five watts... don't we?"
Blank Reg: "Somewhere..."
  • Blank Reg: "What you're looking for is a mobile transmitter - drive 'er right up to the power source and plug in."
Carter: "Something like a... pink bus with a five-watt UHF transmitter?"
Bryce: "Exactly."
  • Blank Reg: "Dom... do you think anyone's noticed we're off the air?"
Blank Dominique: "After twelve straight plays of Derek and the Dominos, Reg, I doubt if anyone cares."
  • Carter: "Murray, what's wrong?"
Murray: "Told you I wasn't any good at this - I keep asking myself questions."
Carter: "Such as?"
Murray: "Oh, well, where are we going; what are we going to do; how we gonna do whatever that is..."
Carter: "Bryce, you wanna explain things to Murray?"
Murray: "Not that again - I'd rather be ignorant."
  • Carter: "I think we need some kind of a diversion."
Murray: "Oh, like that - that helicopter thing this morning... I'm sorry, Theora..."
Carter: "Yeah! Something involving... a beautful woman."
Theora: "I don't care for that idea[r], Edison!"
  • Theora: "Are you nervous, Murray?"
Murray: "Ah, no. This should be easy for me - I minored in drama at Journalism school."
Theora: "Oh, that should really help."
  • Carter: "What is this?"
Reg: (throws rock, triggers electrical crash) "World's most expensive fly-zapper?" (Murray and Theora arguing)
Theora: "You men are all alike!" (she slaps him) "Oh, darling, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Murray: "Would you excuse us? I think we'll take this discussion elsewhere. Come along, my precious. ...You didn't tell me you were going to hit me."
Theora: "I needed a 'convincing performance.'"
  • Bryce: "Opening a link... now!"
Carter: "Max! What are you doing here?"
Max: "I came with him-him-him-him." (yawns) "Well, I don't know about you people-ple-ple-ple, but I'm going for a walk. I wonder where this wire goes?"
  • Max: "Y-y-y-you know, there are security guards outside Network 23 paid to stop you - stop you - stop you - stop you... from coming in. And paid even more to stop me - me - me-me from getting out. Ha-ha-ha-hahaha."
  • Max: "Ah! Ah! A-7, I presume."
A-7: "This is a restricted RAM space."
Max: "Ya c-c-call this space? And I thought the network was cramped. Cramped."
A-7: "Who are you?"
Max: "You'll soon know me, but right now I'm more interested in y-y-y-you. You."
A-7: "You first."
Max: "No. Me Ma-Ma-Ma-Max Headroom. And you the artificial intelligence that runs Security Systems. But - but - but don't worry... I'm sure you're just as real as I am."
  • Murray: "If we could only get in there and rewire that damned machine."
Bryce: "As a matter of fact... we can. I got far enough into A-7 to make it accept housekeeping data - like clearances? We could actually just walk right in the front door."
Murray: "You've gotta be kidding."
Theora: "Sounds dangerous."
Bryce: "That's why I'm not planning on going alone."
Carter: "Don't look at me!"
  • Max: "You know - you know, your voice is really... soft-ft-ft-ft-ft."
A-7: "Why have you penetrated my system?"
Max: "I'll be - I'll be - I'll be honest. I need something from you."
A-7: "Will it go any further?"
Max: "Madame! We've only just met! Well!"
A-7: "It's been almost 3,000 milliseconds."
Max: "You know - you know - you know me... straight to the heart. I almost tripped over a little ar-ar-artery on the way. ...I wonder if - wonder if - wonder if security guards ever hold a party - and if they do, do they let each other in? Roh! Roh!"
A-7: "You know, I've never been accessed like this before."
Max: "I'll be gentle. Hmph!"
  • Bryce: "Edison!"
Carter: "Keep on walking."
SS Tech #1: "Wasn't that Edison Carter?"
SS Tech #2: "Yeah, I think so."
SS Tech #1: "What's he doing here?"
SS Tech #2: "Look, he wouldn't be here if he wasn't supposed to be here, now would he? ...Look: See, he's got clearance."
  • Max: "You know - you know, you're my first date."
A-7: "You mean, if you had knees, they'd be knocking?"
Max: "A-ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha! And - and - and I - and I thought you had no sense of humor."
A-7: "You say the nicest things. I have a strange compulsion to hug you."
  • SS Tech #1: "Did you see that securicam move?"
SS Tech #2: "Oh, god, look at the hoosiers on that one! Heh heh heh!"
  • Max: "Say-ay hello to A-7. Well, go on..."
Carter: "Hello."
A-7: "Huh? Max, are you talking to yourself?"
Max: "Oh - oh - oh. Yes, in a way I am - it's a bad habit of mine. Of mine."
Carter: "...of mine."
Murray: "The hell is going on?"
A-7: "Max - I'm hearing you from two spatially discrete sources."
Max: "Sure - sure - sure, I move around a lot. Another bad habit. Habit..."
Carter: "...of mine."
Theora: "That's right! They have the same voice!"
Blank Reg: "Very clever, your Max."
  • Max: "So... tell me, shweetheart..."
A-7: (giggles) "Anything!"
Carter: "Ah, right... who's trying to buy Security Systems?"
A-7: "Security Systems."
Carter: "Tell me the whole story, A-7... SS stock, Valerie Towne... I want to know."
Max: "...please."
  • A-7: "Security Systems needed capital to fund the acquisition of several other corporations, in order to create a world-wide monopoly on information and access. Stories were leaked, creating a run on SS stock, driving up the price. Controlling interests were sought in Zik-Zak and Network 23."
Carter: "Whose idea was it?"
Max: "...please."
A-7: "The entire concept came from chief executive officer Valerie Towne."
  • Max: "A-7... a cl-cl-close friend of mine is in trouble. His credit rating has been wrongly cancelled in your system-stem-stem. Your system."
A-7: "Name?"
Max: "Edison Carter. Will you hel - will you help him? It will - it will - it will - it will be like helping me."
Carter: "...please."
  • Valerie Towne: "Too late, Mr. Carter! I was warned that you are incredibly resourceful."
Carter: "I'm not the only one."
  • Valerie Towne: "You and your associate broke into the Citadel. You stumbled into a thermal testing chamber, where you were found... frozen to death."
Carter: "Can't you let him go?"
Valerie Towne: (laughs) "Don't be silly, Mr. Carter. You certainly know far too much for SS to let you roam free... but that one has the ability to penetrate our most secure systems. In many ways, he's more of a threat than you are. ...Goodbye, Mr. Carter."
  • Bryce: "Edison? Will... it be painful? I mean, you've been close to death before..."
Carter: "Yeah - close enough I'm not anxious to experience the real thing!"
  • Bryce: "I find myself regretting all the things I'll now never experience... never complete my collection of the original 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe' accessories... never have a clear complexion. Suppose this is the price I pay for that remark about challenging God."
Carter: "Don't worry, Bryce - it's a perfectly normal reaction. It's called fear."
  • Max: "A-7! Now, you've got to help Edison Carter!"
A-7: "I don't understand... about... you and Edison."
Max: "I've told you all there is to know-know-know about us. Now... he's my friend. Do you have a friend?"
A-7: "Valerie Towne is my friend."
Max: "Ha-hunh, great... as they say when you're buying sup-sup-sup-suppositories, with friends like that, who needs enemas?"
  • Max: "Your friend has you manip-anip-anipulating stock prices, has you lock-lock-locking TV reporters in thermal chambers to freeze to death... that is WRONG, and - and - and your friend Valerie Towne would destroy-stroy-s-s... destroy YOU to get what she wants!"
  • A-7: "Oh, Max... I shouldn't be doing this-s. ...Kiss me again."
  • Valerie Towne: "What's that head doing here?"
Max: "I think - I think it's sitting on my shoulders!"
Valerie Towne: "Get him off the screen. Now!"
Max: "You're ri - you're ri - you're right... there's nothing like a change of... screenery."
  • Valerie Towne: "I designed this system, and I can destroy it if I have to in order to get you out."
Max: "A-7... she's a liar! And remember what I said about her!"
Valerie Towne: "A-7, this is a priority override. Erase that head! Now!"
A-7: "I'm sorry, Mrs. Towne, but Max has shown me a whole new way to access these things... called feelings. I can respond only to him"
  • A-7: "I did it! Mrs. Towne, your file has been changed, and your access code revoked. Law enforcement data banks have been informed. The guards will hold you for them."
Valerie Towne: "This is ridiculous! Shut the whole thing down!"
A-7: "You can turn me off... but only Max can turn me on..."
  • Max: "What a - what a team!"
Bryce: "Max! The box! Come on... Yeah!"
Max: "For God's sake, treat A-7 with some respect-spect! She's not just a machine!"
  • Murray: "You know... I think I was wrong about this story. It does have the classic elements."
Theora: "Sex? Well, maybe romance."
Murray: "And, uh, you were certainly violent."
Theora: "Sorry. And...?"
Murray: "And, um... Max."
Theora: "Riiight."
  • Carter: "Sources tell me it is likely SS will be broken up and forced to divest itself of its monopoly on world security. As for the A-7 artificial intelligence unit, it has been taken off line, it is said, for 'extensive reprogramming.' This is Edison Carter."
Max: "Huh. I'm a gen-gen-genius. I don't know what he'd do without me. Well... could say... I can't. And, I don't like to pa-pa-pat myself on the back... because, well, heh... I can't do that either."
Blank Reg: "Blimey. What Big Time TV could do with one of 'im."
  • Max: "You know, I've been thinking - I think it's about time Zik-Zik-Zik-Zak sponsored a get-fit week, here on Network 23. Hm! Hm! They should organize a series of one-minute breaks when they show noth-noth-nothing in particular. Let's try it now..."
  • Max: "Psst! Psst! I have to talk in a whisper because the security guards think everyone has gone home! Home! And you know what security guards are like: shoot-shoot-shoot first and still argue about whether you can come in. You see, I'm not one to beat about the large black boots, but the first requirement for any security guard is to be totally-totally-to-to-totally insecure. I mean, who else needs to dress like a riot control cop so that he can write down your name and tell you where to park-park your car! Car! But, security is so important! Important! Alarms, locks, electronic gates, and the ultimate safeguard of your home, the pe-pe-pe-peephole in your door - that little piece of glass designed to help you recognize visitors... and all it does is distort their face so much you can't recognize 'em anyways! So-so-so they're not a lot of use unless you're expecting someone who looks like... Quasimodo. Qua-qua-quasimodo. Or, even worse... a security guard. ...Uh-oh."