Episode CH4.2.5

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Episode CH4.2.5
Title	The Max Headroom Show
US Air Date	11 Dec 1985
UK Air Date	12 Aug 1986
Length	30 minutes
Guests	No guests
Crew	Talk Show Crew
Matt Frewer	Max Headroom

The fifth Max Headroom talk show featured only videos and some Max riffs.

The MaxRchives contain a complete recording of the Cinemax version of this episode.

Videos & Segments

• Max opens the show with a groovin', get-down hip-hop riff. (Embarrassing, from a late perspective...)
• Video: The Cult, "She Sells Sanctuary"
• Max claims he's a classical music person (as we all know).
• Video: Peter Gabriel, "Shock The Monkey"
• Max talks about his golf lessons and shows a film about golf balls being made, with the help of an offscreen child.
• Video: Izzy Royal, "Coronation Street"
• Max talks about having Severiano Ballesteros as a guest.
• Video: The Kinks, "Come Dancing"
• Max gives advice on how to dress like a real man.
• Video: Pat Benatar, "Love is a Battlefield"
• Max tries to narrate a Jack Nicklaus golf clip only to be interrupted.
• Video: Ledernacken, "Ich will dich essen" ("I Want to Eat You")
  • Max talks about letters asking about his legs.
• Max announces Boy George will be on his next show.

Notes & Commentary

This show has an offscreen speaker interacting with Max, a very young-sounding child Max calls Tim. Max also implies that Tim has something to do with the production of the show (in choosing guests, etc.) The voice is uncredited. The only "Tim" who appears to have had anything to do with the show is Tim Johns, occasionally credited for "Additional Dialogue" but not listed in the credits for this episode.

Quotes & Caps

No unique visuals in this episode.

(Max's speech in these shows uses extreme stuttering and repetition, which I will not attempt to replicate in the transcriptions here. You can assume that any stutter noted goes on many times longer.)

• Max: "Oh, oh, you down, yeah, ah right, it's the Max Cornelius Headroom Show, where the pace is hot and the films(?) are not, so watch this and put some pep in yo' step, some cut in yo' strut, roll in yo' stroll, pride in yo' stride, Slick, and some [unintelligible] in your [ditto], yeah! (looks aside) Why [not?] sit here and look what I'm talking about?"

• Max: "These... (snickers) chuckles videos are all very well, but I'm a - ha, ha - classical music person. As I think you know..."

"Tim" is a young child's voice, offstage and not seen.

• Max: "The golf lessons are going incredibly well - backswing, coming along, approach shots to the green, coming along... putting, still needs some work on it, but, uh, I'd say it's getting there. Nine out of ten.

Tim: "Well, I think that people aren't going to say that [?], Max." [?]

Max: "Oh. Now, don't go away, 'cuz I've got something really great to show you. Now, I know these videos are very good, but... you can have too much of a good thing. And your mind can sort of O.D. on them. So really, they can be dangerous. And so, by way of a change, here's something... you must not miss. It's unique. I don't believe it's ever been seen on TV before, because I brought it in myself today. And it's totally different. It's a rare film of how golf-golf-golf balls are made. Gents... look at this.

(We get a grainy old film of golf ball manufacture.)

Oh, look at that... that is incredible! That's amazing! Yeah! God, it gets better all the time. Woo! There, you see? Who says I don't know what the public wants, hmm?

(looking offscreen) How do you know?

Tim: "It's a pop videos program."

Max: "That has nothing to do with it. A lot of people who watch pop videos are interested in golf. Do a survey for once in your life, Tim."

Tim: "I did, Max."

Max: "Now..."

• Max: "Why does he do it... why does he do it to me? He says to me, 'M-M-M-Max, who you want on your show that's really fascinating and really special?' So I say, 'Easy! Severiano Ballesteros. He can come on and talk about golf.' And Tim says, 'Who is he?' ...Who is he? He's only won the US Masters, the Dunhill Masters, the British Open, the French Open and the Spanish Open... need I go on? ...Oh, it makes me angry. Okay, he says Ballesteros isn't interesting; I'll prove him wrong. I'll tell you about him. Listen to this:

Severiano Ballesteros is very, very interesting. He is Spanish. He comes from Spain. He wears really stylish sweaters and has very interesting dark hair. And... wait... wait! He plays... wait!... he plays... he play golf! ...Ah, what's the point..."

• Max: "Okay, seems a lot of you... guy-guy-guys have taken my advice on dress, and are now walking around in baggy shorts and flip-flip-flops. Great. If you see me, give me a wave - I love to see the style. (I also enjoy a good laugh.) But now you're writing in and asking me the big one, the advice to beat all advice: how to walk out on the street and look a real man.

Okay. You want to look macho, right? Here's how you do it. First, it's how you move. Try to get that all-important shoulder twitch. Getting that nice, subtle hint of the hairy back just tickling away, there, under the shirt - essential for the macho man. But not too twitchy, or your cigarette packet will fall out of the pocket in your sleeve.

Now: where to work. I'm afraid macho men do not work in public libraries. (Sorry, all you he-man bookworms.) Though, if you have to, at least stamp the books very hard. And, if possible, carry them around in a brick hod.

Lesson number two: If possible, get a job on a building site, giving full opportunity to wear the two-shirt t-shirt and the baggy hipster jeans, just about to slide down over the hips. So when you bend down, you expose that essential nine inches of the bottom of your back. And of course, that is the perfect place for your gold chain or your 'I Love Mary' tattoo. See? Think original. And, working out of doors does allow you to address passing women with the macho conversation opener: (wolf whistle), and 'Whhhuuut?' - not to be confused with the standard greeting of male friends 'Ooh-whut oo-whut ol' son?'

(sound of feet running away) Damn... don't get frightened. I'm only telling them about it... wait! Wait! ...sheesh... these guys..."

• Max: "The big G. Golf. That's what it's all about.

(video of Jack Nicklaus) Look at that concentration. Such a lovely swing. Oops - that's in the trees, that's in the trees, it's going way left... nope, it's right on course. It's right on course. No, he's lost his ball. No, it looks good! Will it go? ...ohhh, so close. Well, it looks very much like he'll drop a shot here, and now it's just a question of nerves. The greens are holding; he can fire that straight at the flag. Great shot... will it carry? He's kind of looking worried, and I'm not surprised.

(video countdown leader starts behind Max) Tch! You've done it again, Tim. I'm trying to add a bit of spice here and what happens, you walk all over me. Where's the variety? I'm looking for something different in this show - the emotional equivalent of a mixed bag of nuts! Some laughs, some tears, some fears, but more than that I want some golf clips! Long ones, with close-ups of Nick Feldman's haircut. And bunkers! (I love sand.) No! Wait! Don't cut me off! ...oh, forget it."

Tim: (unintelligible)

• Max: "Listen here, everyone. I'm getting a lot of letters about my legs. True... legs. For example, 'Dear Max: If you haven't got any legs, how on earth do you wash your feet?' Hmm. And another: 'Dear Max: Seeing as how you don't have any legs, could I have your trousers?' Talk about kicking a man when he's down. Yeah - let's talk about kicking a man when he's down. How do you think I feel when I can't even kick a man when he's up?"

• Max: "And onnnn next week's show stroke episode stroke the inside of my thighs if I had any, I'll be in my own home - yes, in my very own kitchen stroke diner stroke wha-wha-whatever you want to talk about. And I'm going to swap some stories, bandy some banter, and lever a line or two out of who? who? Yes, you guessed it: Ha! Ha! Surprised me, too. Boy George! Yes, me and Boy George! What a combo! Ama-ma-ma-mazing! But it's not important what I think, it's what Boy George thinks that counts, and he thinks I'm amazing, too! ...and he's right! Don't miss it! On your peril!